Limping Despair
- At October 30, 2015
- By Morgan Reid
- In Ordinary Radical
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So often, I feel selfish – even wrong – for getting to be a Christian in America. I don’t have to cling to Jesus the way those dire or horrific situations have to. Surrounded by earthly comforts and distractions, I have “plenty” in my hands, filling my thoughts. Except when it comes to my emotions – how I feel about myself and how I feel others feel towards me.
Jesus is about getting to the heart of the matter. He asked the rich man to lay down his riches, the son to forgo burying his father, Martha to laid down her desire for control and work, and simply rest. Without comparing my problems with the awful plight of the suffering, my emotional attachments to myself and other people are enslaving. He’s gently prying away at that root in my heart.
Show Up
- At October 30, 2015
- By Morgan Reid
- In Showing Up
- 0
Showing up for the meaningful work I’m supposed to do.
What is that? I’m not sure.
Read More»Embracing Africa
- At October 30, 2015
- By Morgan Reid
- In Showing Up
- 0
In my last post I opened up about how an awful experience was turned into a experience with God — a gift.
The product of what I saw was an awakening desire to learn, grow, and embrace my African heritage. For the very 1st time.
I have a very hard time seeing African things or fashion as beautiful. I’ve struggled with this my whole life: as a child I always chose the white barbie, grew up in a nearly all white community, and would have preferred the flowy blonde hair and green eyes of Kate Hudson to my stiff short hair and brown skin.
Read More»Embracing WHAT?!
- At October 30, 2015
- By Morgan Reid
- In Showing Up
- 0
{Originally written 10.28.15 in my journal. Some editing happened today, too.}
Today was ROUGH. I broke Nate’s iPad for the 3RD(!) time in a year (in my defense, divided attention between it and Autumn was involved in every case) and a little later I saw something that just about gutted me on the inside.
While I’m omitting some details for privacy, here’s the rest after a lot of wrestling with God and whilst trying to keep a toddler loved and relatively happy:
So I cried and felt like I was in a tailspin for a good part of the afternoon. I even despaired – I’ve been doing so much “work” trying to reorient myself with Christ and then my reaction to this shows me that it might not be worth it anyway- Am I changing at all?
I begged Him to meet me. To break through this time. I know that my part was to expect Him to – which was so hard with how bleak I was feeling at the time. But I prayed “I believe – help my disbelief”.
Then I grabbed my MSG bible and read Psalms 147 (hard to do with a toddler around, I’m sayin’.) — nothing. Ok, let’s think of something else. What’s the ultimate problem here? My identity is deeply rooted in this. It’s supposed to be rooted in the “message of Christ” dwelling “richly” within me Col 3. So I headed to Col 3:1-17 and a first, it didn’t seem to helpful either. Almost more “work” for me to do. But as I kept on I felt the ice pick cracking at my heart. I want indifference towards this situation, but on my own, the only way to move away from wanting too much love from people, is to hate and embitter myself towards them instead. But like a volcano that’s lava was finally erupting, I could chose to let it flow and harden into something dark and dry, or I could allow God to guide the spillage away from my erupting volcano-heart and fill it with Himself instead.
I hate wordy stuff like that. I need practical, not abstract fluff. So let me clarify by adding: by this I mean, I felt God moving me towards the new identity He has for me.
My favorite term for Christians in the bible is “ a royal priesthood.” I’ve liked it since I was 13 years old and 1 Peter was my book to memorize in Bible Quizzing, but lately, I’ve secretly wished I could go to seminary someday – being a Royal Priesthood makes me feel like – it’s not so exclusive with who I am right now.
So I tried “contemplating” what that looks like for me.
I have struggled with contemplation my whole life but I’ve been trying to heal that part of my life and thinking since learning about its importance in our walk with Christ since becoming Anglican. Where I came up short, God made up my lack in leaps and bounds. The details are too personal to share in a post (at least at this time, maybe one day) but wow. Wow!
One thing I can share is this: Africa.
Or maybe better put, “African.”
It’s 5am and I’m feeling much better – but Autumn tends to wake for a feeding around this time so I’ll leave the rest for the next post.
Cheers!
Morgan (Loves To) Reid
Showing Up
- At October 30, 2015
- By Morgan Reid
- In Changes, Quotes
- 0
I’ve given way too much thought to my critics this week. My whole life, really. But this week, I’ve been in a tailspin trying to find a way to stop the movement and get grounded.
So much so, that at 3am today, after finally giving up on going back to sleep because of the thoughts in my head adding density to the pit growing in my stomach – I decided getting up and going on facebook or reading a Psalm would be healthier.
So glad I did.
I found this talk thought I wasn’t looking for it (while reading this). So impactful.
Brene talks about saying to our critics “I see you, I hear you . . . but I’m showing up anyway and this is what I’m doing. I’ve saved a seat for you, and you’re welcome to come – but I’m not interested in your feedback.” (My take on it, not her *exact* words).
She also says that our worse critics are ourselves (of course, right?) and reminded me that Nathan is my number one fan and supporter. (I really love him).
So while I still need to clarify my values, distinguish the good that I was blessed with in my family and growing up life (and release the negatives), and figure out how it is that I want to “show up” I’m just going to start. It’ll be messy and I’m positive there will be copious amonts of cringing in the future – I like the things I’m into. And I want to step into that place of vulnerability whether I feel “ready” or not.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” — FTR, Referenced by Brene
What a kick-ass quote.
Morgan (Loves To) REID.
