Rough Sketch Ideals

10 mintues after running through my usual list of ideas and concerns while laying in bed this a.m., I finally felt like it was acceptable to open my eyes. Looking to see if Nate was still in the room and were Autumn was lying – both were found and both I found amusing: We currently sleep on 5 felted wool layers on the floor. She was laying at the corner with one arm extended onto the to floor and one foot propped-up against the opposite leg: full cheeks, messy puffballs, super cute. Nate was directly underneath her which is also amusing. : )

My mind went back to baby’s positioning in my womb and my concerns about it, even at only 27 weeks. Autumn was double footling breech, so this is a biggy for me.
I start taking those concerns to Him even though it feels “off.” Much like I’m a dud of a daughter who mostly just disappoints while choosing her own thing, except when I come back asking for something I need.

Ouch.

It’s unfamiliar territory, truly. I rarely felt like I disappointed my earthly (adoptive, grand)parents – they were thrilled that I tended to follow the rules, went to church, got good grades, and showed no interest in parties, substance abuse, or the “wrong crowd.” It was another story with my bio mom – before age 13 I can’t say I felt she saw me much at all, one of the many downsides to being a mother with a drug addiction.

Alright, where was I?

Oh yeah, being a screw up daughter (or at least feeling that way. It’s a weird dynamic having 3 parents influencing your idea of God and how you relate to Him). It’s not that I can’t have another c-section – yes, a healthy mom and healthy baby are my highest request – but as a girl strongly tied to her ideals, oh how badly I want this to be a smooth transition for my family, for Autumn.

So I focus on praying for that instead – not for a certain type of birth, or even what the transition should look like according to me (or the books and articles I’ve read), but really simply — for grace.