Skipping Steps and Diving (back) In.
- At January 16, 2018
- By Morgan Reid
- In Changes, Real Life, Uncategorized, Updates
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The past 10 months have been some of the hardest of my life and have definitely kept me away from writing on this blog. Even when I could find the words, I didn’t have the time.
So while my methodical way of moving through life would like to start with the posts I wrote before Ember was born – how I was preparing my body for his birth, his sister for the transition from “only” to “big,’ and then after E arrived, his (awesome) birth story — we were hit hard with nursing issues, tongue and lip tie corrections, neurosurgery for craniosynostosis, monthly appointments for helmet therapy, bi-weekly physical and occupational therapy appointments — along with trying to figure out how to love and honor my daughter, Autumn, while stepping into my new role as a mother of two.
It was a catapulting and paralyzing time for me. I wanted everything to stop and yet it felt like I was being hurled through time and space at a break-neck pace. From mid-April to mid-May I cried nearly every day and wondered how long I’d be able to hold off true postpartum depression.
But Ember as reached double digits and we got to turn the page of the calendar to a new year a few days after, there’s been rest and processing, and an unquenchable thirst to return to this blog. My place where I chronicle my family’s stories and moments; where I mush together parts of my brain and heart and mold them into text.
I will write about all that I mentioned, but I think that will be best saved for spring during my recovery from spinal surgery (- yeah, throw a couple unfortunate recommendations for surgery in the past year as well).
For now, I’m taking a hop, skip, and a jump, past those months, telling my usual methods to hush for a bit, and writing this post on the day before my 28th birthday.
My soul needs to hear the rhythmic clicks as my heart, mind, and body release all they’re holding.
::
I told Nathan this morning, “sometimes, I really like our life.”
(It’s amazing what sleep and a few good podcasts can do. — Many other times I’m thinking: “what was I thinking?! This is too hard; I’m not good at this!”).
We’re considering another in-Austin move – but in case it doesn’t pan out, I’ve been trying to make our current situation as good as it can be, and enjoy our life as-is as much as I can.
× The past few days I’ve organized the garage, made comforting winter dishes, found the Mud Stories podcast and became inspired by other women who shared their hard stories and how they can see the ways God-breathed life and meaning into their sorrow, I also found Micha Boyett and I’m excited to read her book as the few things I’ve read from her so far really jive with the conclusions I’ve been coming to on an my evolving faith and a more progressive, mystic, Spirit-filled way of Christianity.
× I’ve really looked into Autumn’s eyes lately when she talks to me, and have made time for just the two of us amidst the “just you and me” and “no daddy, I want mommy to”s — as long as I don’t feel like I’m letting her down, I really relish meeting her needs in this way. It’s my love language and I know I’m giving her exactly what I longed for as a 4 year old. I get to feel like I’m breaking the cycle with each meeting of our eyes, touch of my hand, and minute spent on my lap. Last month I found a lot of freedom and insight through the book Nurture by Nature and I feel like it gave me the permission and grace I needed to step into parenting her in a way that’s better for her, despite the “shoulds” that kept me from doing so in the past.
× Ember’s personality continues to emerge and he’s as kissable as he ever was – and his breath smells so dang good! I’m sure it’s the hormone-maternal connectors inside me – they know what they’re doing. There are so many ways Baby-Ember stands in contrast to Baby-Autumn but now that I realized this is a personality thing, and not a what-am-i-doing-wrong thing, his vocalness has become pretty endearing to me. If the past few months are any indication, he’s going to be the extrovert of the family: getting us out of our home and into the bright, wide world. (read: he loves people and engaging with anything “new.” Whereas Autumn loved her mama and slow/quiet.)
× I cut Nathan’s hair a couple months ago and dared to do the top freehand – and it turned out well, but as it’s grown out, lately it’s pretty incredible. It’s hard to put into words how happy that style makes me. Between that, his sweetness, a reawakened interest in rollerblading, boyish grin, and the comfy winter fabrics the season calls for, he too has become oh-so-huggable. Diving deeper into the Ennegram along with finding answers to some of his questions regarding the Christian faith, (and rest in the uncertainty) as been so good for him. His light-hearted, playful nature is returning and it’s overflowing on to our family and in our relationship.
We speculated (*hoped*) that 10 months would be a corner-turner for our family. We value and recommend attachment parenting; we enjoy those coos and the gloriously plump thighs, but we really suck at the emotions, worry, and exhaustion of the baby year. 1, 2, 3, and 4 — we’ve increasingly enjoyed with Autumn. But with both her and Ember, … well, I guess we just don’t “infant” well.
::
All of this together with really trying to dig into the moments and be present – sparked the joy that bubbled up into my comment to Nate this morning.
So when mid-morning brought the sound of ice and the warmth of fire to our tiny bit of Austin, it felt like the icing was being added to our cake.
And I felt deliriously happy taking it all in, realizing the smile appearing on my face was effortlessly growing.
Morgan (loves to) Reid
Post Script: I can’t close this blog without adding that the undercurrent under the waves and stillness of this past year has been God and me. I can’t really give voice to it yet as I’m still striving to re-engage with the questions/answers/perspectives/uncertain parts of my faith and relationship with Him. I was battling some significant decisions before Ember was born, so in a way, it’s been a year of feeling upended as I try to sort things out, gain a better perspective, and put it all back together again. I feel like there’s still a lot of engagement and reading that needs to occur, followed by even more time to process. Contemplation is such a good practice, and I’m not saying any of this is a bad thing, but I wanted to drop this note since the absence of it would be troublesome to me.
(Virtual) Winds of Change
- At February 21, 2017
- By Morgan Reid
- In Changes, Real Life, Uncategorized
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{I wrote this 3 months ago, and having finished the necessary “phases” I talk about below, I can honestly say that it has been very beneficial. Around my birthday Nathan introduced me to Socionics and it was incredibly helpful and validating about my choices (read: it’s accuracy about intertype relations freaked us both out – especially in regards to particularly hard relationships that I had been struggling with for sometime). That being said, I wanted to give myself some time to see how I viewed decision and felt about the resulting change before posting it publicly.}
* * *
In the last days before we left Ohio for Texas, I was grateful for the trip, but more than ready to be home and launch into ‘Little Prince mode’: just me, Nathan, and Autumn on our little planet watching sunsets and keeping a lookout for baobabs. The election after-math intensified this desire and left me daydreaming about giving into Mennonite fantasies: modified Amish quilting bees with local friends, selective play-dates, and church gatherings – the end.
So I largely stayed off FB and created an alternative feed so I could continue to follow pages I adore. Internally, I quieted quite a bit from just that and it was awesome. Since my home and the atmosphere in it are two of my highest priorities, I work hard to be intentional about what enters it from food to toys. Yet each time I opened FB I was allowing myself to invite unintentional, uncensored life in – with me being the gate: my family had to deal with a dip in my mood or my under-the-surface anger at social justice issues.
By choosing to disengage, I no longer had to put energy into empathizing with others pain and emotionally recovering from news of numerous far-off tragedies each week. (I agree that Believers should be the most active in the lives of the marginalized, and able to grieve very profoundly for the hurting – but I have to be selective because it can easily take a toll. Plus — this ain’t the season. Hopefully as the kids get older and I’ve worked through my childhood more, I’ll be able to foster and adopt and bring a whole and surrendered woman to that fight).
I was also able to put to rest the nagging reality that there’s half a continent between myself and old friends. While I enjoy keeping up with what’s happening in their lives and offering kind or caring words along the way, the truth that I can no longer be in their lives to the degree I’d like to be is hard on a highly-relational gal such as myself. Being reminded of the separation on a daily basis impacts my spirit in a negative way (read: it’s a downer).
* * *
As with my parenting and my faith, I started looking backwards (typical ISFJ) at traditional tribes and how humans have evolved to live and function. The question became: are we really meant to be frequently blasted by all this and have to carry it day-in-and-day-out?
No.
at least it’s not working for me.
A Dabbling Year in a Blog Post
- At June 19, 2016
- By Morgan Reid
- In Changes, Homesteading, Moving, Self-Discovery
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1st blog post in forever! Man, it felt so good to see the admin dashboard on my screen again.
Well – the reason I’ve been so absent these past few months is the same reason I was this time last year . . . we moved. . . . (again).
We’re almost positive the ringing in our ears is caused by the screeching halt of our ‘moving’ gears. We’re crazy spent.
I so miss the beauty and the bigness of those 5 acres. It was a gorgeous piece of land. While I don’t want to get into everything on a public forum, I’ll share the more personal reasons we decided to head back to ATX. It wasn’t financial (renting in Austin’s a bit more expensive than owning in a county over), and it wasn’t that we didn’t like homesteading – we were mostly dabbling, but I found I did enjoy it.
Read More»Showing Up
- At October 30, 2015
- By Morgan Reid
- In Changes, Quotes
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I’ve given way too much thought to my critics this week. My whole life, really. But this week, I’ve been in a tailspin trying to find a way to stop the movement and get grounded.
So much so, that at 3am today, after finally giving up on going back to sleep because of the thoughts in my head adding density to the pit growing in my stomach – I decided getting up and going on facebook or reading a Psalm would be healthier.
So glad I did.
I found this talk thought I wasn’t looking for it (while reading this). So impactful.
Brene talks about saying to our critics “I see you, I hear you . . . but I’m showing up anyway and this is what I’m doing. I’ve saved a seat for you, and you’re welcome to come – but I’m not interested in your feedback.” (My take on it, not her *exact* words).
She also says that our worse critics are ourselves (of course, right?) and reminded me that Nathan is my number one fan and supporter. (I really love him).
So while I still need to clarify my values, distinguish the good that I was blessed with in my family and growing up life (and release the negatives), and figure out how it is that I want to “show up” I’m just going to start. It’ll be messy and I’m positive there will be copious amonts of cringing in the future – I like the things I’m into. And I want to step into that place of vulnerability whether I feel “ready” or not.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” — FTR, Referenced by Brene
What a kick-ass quote.
Morgan (Loves To) REID.
Rediscovering Jesus :: Part 2 – Finding Anglicanism
- At September 10, 2015
- By Morgan Reid
- In Changes, Ordinary Radical, Reflections
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In Part 1, I wrote about how Nathan and I had come to love Jesus and hate what the American Church had become.
I ended by sharing that God used the Liturgy to guide Nathan and I into a new Way:
It was a couple months after we moved into our new house: money was tight, I was still getting used to our 3rd move in 18 months, we were experiencing record rains, the city of Austin actually flooded, and boxes and scorpions abounded.
Scrolling through facebook I saw an eye-catching photo for an event at a church about the Liturgy. My interest was sparked because Nathan and I had purchased The Book of Common Prayer in January to create rhythms and weave God into our home. We loved its beautiful language and knowing that Christians all over the world were saying nearly the same prayers – it seemed like it would be a great fit. May came and we still didn’t fully know about all of its history or how to fully use it to enrich our spiritual lives.
Read More»Long Time, No Write.
- At August 15, 2015
- By Morgan Reid
- In Changes, Moving, Updates
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It has really been 3 months since I last blogged. It’s been hard being away! But at the same time, I want to write from a place of substance and creativity – and I’ve been fresh out of both. It’s been a little more like ‘divide and conquer’ with all we have going on at the Reid Establishment these days.
In the past three months I’ve:
- Bought a house
- Started renovations and organizations of said house
- Found someone to re-lease our apartment to
- Started myofascial release coupled with emotional/spiritual counseling (including all the work that goes along with healing physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Even habitually. Oh, and major breakthroughs! I’ve analyzed my life countless times and a stranger is able to give me amazing insight.)
- Started Christian counseling
- Found a church home in an totally new-to-me form of Christianity (The Anglican Way.)
- Started Catechism classes
- Started attending a women’s group
- Started a system-reset diet that’s the most restrictive of anything we’ve ever done. Think paleo but only 7 fruits, no vinegar, and no tea (*sobs*). I call it the “Worse-than-Whole-30.”
- Along with said diet, I’ve been cooking three meals and a snack from scratch. Every single day. If Nate takes a meal or we eat within the means of the diet at chipotle that takes off a couple meals. But I don’t really like cooking, so it’s a bit of a drain each time and takes a lot of time and attention, with a toddler especially.
- Night weaned my 21 month old. Praise God!
- Participated in a Breastfeeding in public photo shoot for World Breastfeeding Week.
All this on top of going to mom meet ups, cleaning, laundry, and the usual toddler teething/nap refusal/ night wake ups.
I’ve wanted to partake in all of the above for quite some time, but I didn’t imagine it all happening at once. There was so much we had to put off in order to save for a house and I was hesitant to start something I’d have to discontinue if our house ended up being too far away. But here we are. The gate has swung wide open and this horse & jockey is going for it. On the other hand, this structured mama needs life to slooooow down, but we’re making it. This is how it’s panning out and soon (if God wills) I’ll be pregnant and sick and tired most of the day and 9 months later I’ll enter into newborn-toddler-survival-mode.
So truly, now is the time. And even in the chaos, it’s been good. Feels like a big exhale and a splash of fresh water. Nathan just finished setting up my computer this week and so I’m excited to start writing about the above and all the other things that matter to me.
Here we go!
Morgan (loves to) Reid
Our 1st Year in Austin: Part II – ‘But Why Texas?’
- At May 07, 2015
- By Morgan Reid
- In Austin, Changes
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Before I thought about making this a series, I was just writing a post wrap-up post on our past year in Austin when it occurred to me that I should probably start off by explaining *why* we chose to move here.
Because, I mean . . . it’s Texas.
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Meeting in The Middle
- At November 28, 2014
- By Morgan Reid
- In Changes
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Since getting married, Nate and I have really downplayed the holidays. I’ve always loved them but getting him excited and out the door to join friends and family was a feat and we were often late. I took his resistance as a “need” because he’s an introvert. Similarly, I jumped on his “why do we spend money on this/buy gifts just because it’s a holiday” bandwagon. — His reasons all made sense and I knew that I had to work on becoming frugal, so I adopted his views. Plus, . . . I’m a people-pleaser, ok! I like being in harmony with the people close to me.
This worked out, and honestly I probably could have kept it up as a mom too. That is until we found out that I’m an “ESFJ.” Finding out my Myers-Briggs personality has brought tremendous joy, freedom, and healing for me. (I can’t wait to share more about this in future posts).
While reading about my “type”, one of the 1st things we took notice of was the importance that traditions and decorating for most ESFJs. Whereas Nathan’s personality type (INTP) could view them as an unnecessary use of money and a way to clutter up the house (–these aren’t bad things. No judgement; INTPs tend to be very logical thinkers and value minimalism), I view them as a way to love my family, make a house into a haven, and celebrate life together. All very fundamental to me and how I work.
So we’re working to meet in the middle: I’ll keep the budget in check and won’t go crazy with the amount of decorations. He’ll work on accepting traditions and gatherings as a vital part of my well being and enjoy our little family getting to make memories together 🙂
A Renewal.
- At November 08, 2014
- By Morgan Reid
- In Changes
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I listen to voices.
(Maybe that was a bit too much for an opening line? . . .)
Well anyway, I have a big problem listening to voices and allowing too many outside influences stake their claim in my mind.
Excuse the Meyers-Briggs jargon, but basically:
– Fe makes me want to ppl please, and care about what others think.
– Si makes me want to live traditionally, follow how it’s always been done and do what’s expected and accepted.
– Ti fights for control, causing me to give into confounded logic, not based on resson, but feelings and perhaps a distorted view.
– And then quiet Ne whispers softly in the back ground that there’s something new and wonderful just out of reach – will I reach for it?
With all of the voices and thoughts vying for my attention I’m going a bit bonkers, to be honest, trying to please them all.
I think it’s time to reset and read and reread the bible. Give its truth the space it needs to run through my mind and seep down deep into my core. Until His ways are what I know. His guiding tug becomes THE voice that silences all the others.
But wait – isn’t that what God already told me?
Romans 12:2 HCSB
Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.
Yep. That’s what He said.
Only now I can take it in with a bit more self-awareness and stop taking my ques from those around me:
Not what Nate’s doing.
Not what the Spiritual Giants I admire are doing,
Not what I’m “supposed” to be doing.
But what makes sense for me and how I’m designed to work. To read and reread and allow this God-language, this language of faith and dependency to become my life’s language.
Considering future roadblocks, I think I get frustrated by opening my bible and not knowing where to start. Or following a plan, but it’s gotten so boring. So for now I’m just gonna read. No big production.
Just read, converse, meditate, adore, pray and live.
Over and over again. For me and Him.
Till these (already and soon-to-be) well-known tracks start playing loud enough to drown out all this noise.
And this mind is renewed.
Morgan (loves to) Reid
[*Originally Written 11.7.14]
A Reset.
- At November 08, 2014
- By Morgan Reid
- In Changes
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Saturday Morning I went into Nate’s office and we talked about the weekend, things we need to get accomplished and when best to do them. Somewhere in the midst of all -planning he drops “I want us to go back to Paleo this week.”
On Saturday morning. Saturday. Grocery Shopping day. *Cold Sweat*
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