Skipping Steps and Diving (back) In.

The past 10 months have been some of the hardest of my life and have definitely kept me away from writing on this blog. Even when I could find the words, I didn’t have the time.

So while my methodical way of moving through life would like to start with the posts I wrote before Ember was born – how I was preparing my body for his birth, his sister for the transition from “only” to “big,’ and then after E arrived, his (awesome) birth story — we were hit hard with nursing issues, tongue and lip tie corrections, neurosurgery for craniosynostosis, monthly appointments for helmet therapy, bi-weekly physical and occupational therapy appointments — along with trying to figure out how to love and honor my daughter, Autumn, while stepping into my new role as a mother of two.

It was a catapulting and paralyzing time for me. I wanted everything to stop and yet it felt like I was being hurled through time and space at a break-neck pace. From mid-April to mid-May I cried nearly every day and wondered how long I’d be able to hold off true postpartum depression. 

But Ember as reached double digits and we got to turn the page of the calendar to a new year a few days after, there’s been rest and processing, and an unquenchable thirst to return to this blog. My place where I chronicle my family’s stories and moments; where I mush together parts of my brain and heart and mold them into text.

I will write about all that I mentioned, but I think that will be best saved for spring during my recovery from spinal surgery (- yeah, throw a couple unfortunate recommendations for surgery in the past year as well).

For now, I’m taking a hop, skip, and a jump, past those months, telling my usual methods to hush for a bit, and writing this post on the day before my 28th birthday.

My soul needs to hear the rhythmic clicks as my heart, mind, and body release all they’re holding.

::

I told Nathan this morning, “sometimes, I really like our life.”

(It’s amazing what sleep and a few good podcasts can do. — Many other times I’m thinking: “what was I thinking?! This is too hard; I’m not good at this!”).

We’re considering another in-Austin move – but in case it doesn’t pan out, I’ve been trying to make our current situation as good as it can be, and enjoy our life as-is as much as I can.

× The past few days I’ve organized the garage, made comforting winter dishes, found the Mud Stories podcast and became inspired by other women who shared their hard stories and how they can see the ways God-breathed life and meaning into their sorrow, I also found Micha Boyett and I’m excited to read her book as the few things I’ve read from her so far really jive with the conclusions I’ve been coming to on an my evolving faith and a more progressive, mystic, Spirit-filled way of Christianity.

× I’ve really looked into Autumn’s eyes lately when she talks to me, and have made time for just the two of us amidst the “just you and me” and “no daddy, I want mommy to”s — as long as I don’t feel like I’m letting her down, I really relish meeting her needs in this way. It’s my love language and I know I’m giving her exactly what I longed for as a 4 year old. I get to feel like I’m breaking the cycle with each meeting of our eyes, touch of my hand, and minute spent on my lap. Last month I found a lot of freedom and insight through the book Nurture by Nature and I feel like it gave me the permission and grace I needed to step into parenting her in a way that’s better for her, despite the “shoulds” that kept me from doing so in the past.

× Ember’s personality continues to emerge and he’s as kissable as he ever was – and his breath smells so dang good! I’m sure it’s the hormone-maternal connectors inside me – they know what they’re doing. There are so many ways Baby-Ember stands in contrast to Baby-Autumn but now that I realized this is a personality thing, and not a what-am-i-doing-wrong thing, his vocalness has become pretty endearing to me. If the past few months are any indication, he’s going to be the extrovert of the family: getting us out of our home and into the bright, wide world. (read: he loves people and engaging with anything “new.” Whereas Autumn loved her mama and slow/quiet.)

× I cut Nathan’s hair a couple months ago and dared to do the top freehand – and it turned out well, but as it’s grown out, lately it’s pretty incredible. It’s hard to put into words how happy that style makes me. Between that, his sweetness, a reawakened interest in rollerblading, boyish grin, and the comfy winter fabrics the season calls for, he too has become oh-so-huggable. Diving deeper into the Ennegram along with finding answers to some of his questions regarding the Christian faith, (and rest in the uncertainty) as been so good for him. His light-hearted, playful nature is returning and it’s overflowing on to our family and in our relationship.

We speculated (*hoped*) that 10 months would be a corner-turner for our family. We value and recommend attachment parenting; we enjoy those coos and the gloriously plump thighs, but we really suck at the emotions, worry, and exhaustion of the baby year. 1, 2, 3, and 4 — we’ve increasingly enjoyed with Autumn. But with both her and Ember, … well, I guess we just don’t “infant” well.

::

All of this together with really trying to dig into the moments and be present – sparked the joy that bubbled up into my comment to Nate this morning.

So when mid-morning brought the sound of ice and the warmth of fire to our tiny bit of Austin, it felt like the icing was being added to our cake.

And I felt deliriously happy taking it all in, realizing the smile appearing on my face was effortlessly growing. 

Morgan (loves to) Reid

Post Script: I can’t close this blog without adding that the undercurrent under the waves and stillness of this past year has been God and me. I can’t really give voice to it yet as I’m still striving to re-engage with the questions/answers/perspectives/uncertain parts of my faith and relationship with Him. I was battling some significant decisions before Ember was born, so in a way, it’s been a year of feeling upended as I try to sort things out, gain a better perspective, and put it all back together again. I feel like there’s still a lot of engagement and reading that needs to occur, followed by even more time to process. Contemplation is such a good practice, and I’m not saying any of this is a bad thing, but I wanted to drop this note since the absence of it would be troublesome to me.