Steps Back.

Here’s a brief description of some of the things I tried to help my relationship with God. In this post, I shared how it was going for me.

Senses – I made and burned some beeswax candles, and really enjoy rubbing a roughed shaved cross that I was given by an elderly couple at my 1st church. In this blog, I basically whined about being a Sensate, but I’ve listened to some podcasts and let the idea of it settle in for me. And I decided that it’s actually a really awesome thing. I have 5 senses that I have access to at any waking, conscious moment. Which makes me feel like I’m kinda lucky that God would give me so many ways to access Him and feel His love if I can grow in making the connections between the concrete and His presence.

The Incarnation – Another thing I thought about looking into was the Incarnation – what it mean for God Himself to have a body with 5 senses. Tim Keller put out an amazing podcast on this in December (“The Word Made Flesh” – on iTunes, 12.8.16) and it really helped to soften my heart and lessen some of the anger I felt towards God. Particularly, when Tim talked about how Jesus came to earth as a human and the implications of what it can mean for us, being able to relate to Him as Believers. How Jesus can understand pouring your heart out, yearning for God to answer – to change something in your life, and hearing silence or “no.” I’d say the podcast helped bring Jesus closer to me psychologically.

Walking – I’ve been walking because of the pregnancy, and truly, that’s my biggest motivation. However, the health benefits toted by Katy Bowman and the author of Living into Focus, makes me want to continue and make it a life time thing. With two kids . . .

Since I was a little girl at summer camp, I have loved the 7a.m. hour in the morning. The soft light, cool temps, and quietness of the day have always drawn me in. It’s also the time when we’d open our bibles and talk about God, so I think that’s created a lasting connection for me.

One of the things that I started to notice when going on walks in November was that whenever I walked under a tree’s arching branch, I felt a really yummy, tingly feeling in my head. It made me feel covered, like a refuge. The word “refuge” in Bible verses has always pulled me in. It just seemed so nice and absolutely needed. Since finding out that I am an Enneagram 6, it became really clear why it this word is impactful for me. So I enjoy walking under these branches and feeling the yumminess, feeling comforted by God in a “sensing” way.  

Absolution – this is different than confession, this link will help explain it.

After I shared with my priest, Jonathan, what I was harboring against God, he said a prayer of absolution and healing.

He then offered counsel about what I was facing (basically the ways that my Enneagram TriType (612) became rooted in my childhood and has colored my view of God).

I cried a lot, the following is what I remember of what Jonathan said, but I can’t promise that it’s his exact words:

Recollection – the work I do is holy – ask God where He is, try to see Him delighting in the work of my body, my hands.

Cross – make the sign of the cross all throughout the day. Verbally say the Trinity. “I am Yours, I belong to You. Guide me, heal me, protect me – delight in me.”

Examine – try to kneel or take a different posture. Look back at the end of the day and locate moments where God was, where he was absent, etc.

Celebration – 12 days of xmas do something I really enjoy everyday and invite God into it.

Forgiving isn’t a one-time thing, but a debt I’ll continually have to cancel.

Dogma to believe that God answers right away. To be ok with not hearing from Him but to know that I’m not just dropping it or giving up. I’d be seeking Him in a grounded way throughout the day – I could do this anywhere at anytime – with my kids losing it around me or while I’m out at a movie if I need to.

Every good thing – in His time. Resurrection always comes after the cross – but medicine is offered earthside too. My Good Samaritan found me, picked me up, transferred me to The Inn (the church), tended my wounds and sees that the church should continue my healing.

Lament along with 40% of the psalms. tell God that What he promised you and demand it as His convent child. Waiting patiently until His time for that comes.

It’s through the body that we experience the bending of our hearts desires back to God. Not our heads (thinking good thoughts about Him) but allowing Jesus to form our desires through His understanding of our human bodies. Our work is the partake in the Eucharist, the daily office, and the examine. Allowing Him to use our mortal bodies, forms, and habits to reshape, reform, and mold us. To heal us. To remove what’s (in this instance,  the ways I internalize what’s happening and pervert it in ways that are harmful to myself or others) blocking me from seeing how He delights in me.

This was deeply healing for me. I knew God was churning things in my heart before this meeting, and while I didn’t want to expect a big change, I did want to be open to whatever shifts He brought into my mind and heart.

I think what stood out to me the most was all the hope that flooded me while hearing that so much of Jonathan’s counsel was body-related. I didn’t discuss being a Sensate with him, but in the Anglican tradition the body isn’t seen as less-than the spirit, but a vital part of how God works in our lives and draws us closer to Himself. It was so relieving to not be given the same answers of “read your bible more,” “spend time talking with God,” etc. All important and worth doing, but I’ve done-did them over and over. To be given the same prescription for a persistent problem is a blow to the soul.  

The other thing can’t be written with words. I trust that it was the Holy Spirit near me in that moment, and afterwards when I stayed behind to cry and process.

About a week afterward, I was walking down the road and that familiar feeling of refuge returned to me as I walked under the branches. But I noticed this time, it wasn’t leaving when I walked through a gap in the trees. In fact, it felt as if the whole sky was His covering, His refuge.

The whole, big, wide open, blue sky.

Morgan (Loves To) Reid