Skipping Steps and Diving (back) In.
- At January 16, 2018
- By Morgan Reid
- In Changes, Real Life, Uncategorized, Updates
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The past 10 months have been some of the hardest of my life and have definitely kept me away from writing on this blog. Even when I could find the words, I didn’t have the time.
So while my methodical way of moving through life would like to start with the posts I wrote before Ember was born – how I was preparing my body for his birth, his sister for the transition from “only” to “big,’ and then after E arrived, his (awesome) birth story — we were hit hard with nursing issues, tongue and lip tie corrections, neurosurgery for craniosynostosis, monthly appointments for helmet therapy, bi-weekly physical and occupational therapy appointments — along with trying to figure out how to love and honor my daughter, Autumn, while stepping into my new role as a mother of two.
It was a catapulting and paralyzing time for me. I wanted everything to stop and yet it felt like I was being hurled through time and space at a break-neck pace. From mid-April to mid-May I cried nearly every day and wondered how long I’d be able to hold off true postpartum depression.
But Ember as reached double digits and we got to turn the page of the calendar to a new year a few days after, there’s been rest and processing, and an unquenchable thirst to return to this blog. My place where I chronicle my family’s stories and moments; where I mush together parts of my brain and heart and mold them into text.
I will write about all that I mentioned, but I think that will be best saved for spring during my recovery from spinal surgery (- yeah, throw a couple unfortunate recommendations for surgery in the past year as well).
For now, I’m taking a hop, skip, and a jump, past those months, telling my usual methods to hush for a bit, and writing this post on the day before my 28th birthday.
My soul needs to hear the rhythmic clicks as my heart, mind, and body release all they’re holding.
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I told Nathan this morning, “sometimes, I really like our life.”
(It’s amazing what sleep and a few good podcasts can do. — Many other times I’m thinking: “what was I thinking?! This is too hard; I’m not good at this!”).
We’re considering another in-Austin move – but in case it doesn’t pan out, I’ve been trying to make our current situation as good as it can be, and enjoy our life as-is as much as I can.
× The past few days I’ve organized the garage, made comforting winter dishes, found the Mud Stories podcast and became inspired by other women who shared their hard stories and how they can see the ways God-breathed life and meaning into their sorrow, I also found Micha Boyett and I’m excited to read her book as the few things I’ve read from her so far really jive with the conclusions I’ve been coming to on an my evolving faith and a more progressive, mystic, Spirit-filled way of Christianity.
× I’ve really looked into Autumn’s eyes lately when she talks to me, and have made time for just the two of us amidst the “just you and me” and “no daddy, I want mommy to”s — as long as I don’t feel like I’m letting her down, I really relish meeting her needs in this way. It’s my love language and I know I’m giving her exactly what I longed for as a 4 year old. I get to feel like I’m breaking the cycle with each meeting of our eyes, touch of my hand, and minute spent on my lap. Last month I found a lot of freedom and insight through the book Nurture by Nature and I feel like it gave me the permission and grace I needed to step into parenting her in a way that’s better for her, despite the “shoulds” that kept me from doing so in the past.
× Ember’s personality continues to emerge and he’s as kissable as he ever was – and his breath smells so dang good! I’m sure it’s the hormone-maternal connectors inside me – they know what they’re doing. There are so many ways Baby-Ember stands in contrast to Baby-Autumn but now that I realized this is a personality thing, and not a what-am-i-doing-wrong thing, his vocalness has become pretty endearing to me. If the past few months are any indication, he’s going to be the extrovert of the family: getting us out of our home and into the bright, wide world. (read: he loves people and engaging with anything “new.” Whereas Autumn loved her mama and slow/quiet.)
× I cut Nathan’s hair a couple months ago and dared to do the top freehand – and it turned out well, but as it’s grown out, lately it’s pretty incredible. It’s hard to put into words how happy that style makes me. Between that, his sweetness, a reawakened interest in rollerblading, boyish grin, and the comfy winter fabrics the season calls for, he too has become oh-so-huggable. Diving deeper into the Ennegram along with finding answers to some of his questions regarding the Christian faith, (and rest in the uncertainty) as been so good for him. His light-hearted, playful nature is returning and it’s overflowing on to our family and in our relationship.
We speculated (*hoped*) that 10 months would be a corner-turner for our family. We value and recommend attachment parenting; we enjoy those coos and the gloriously plump thighs, but we really suck at the emotions, worry, and exhaustion of the baby year. 1, 2, 3, and 4 — we’ve increasingly enjoyed with Autumn. But with both her and Ember, … well, I guess we just don’t “infant” well.
::
All of this together with really trying to dig into the moments and be present – sparked the joy that bubbled up into my comment to Nate this morning.
So when mid-morning brought the sound of ice and the warmth of fire to our tiny bit of Austin, it felt like the icing was being added to our cake.
And I felt deliriously happy taking it all in, realizing the smile appearing on my face was effortlessly growing.
Morgan (loves to) Reid
Post Script: I can’t close this blog without adding that the undercurrent under the waves and stillness of this past year has been God and me. I can’t really give voice to it yet as I’m still striving to re-engage with the questions/answers/perspectives/uncertain parts of my faith and relationship with Him. I was battling some significant decisions before Ember was born, so in a way, it’s been a year of feeling upended as I try to sort things out, gain a better perspective, and put it all back together again. I feel like there’s still a lot of engagement and reading that needs to occur, followed by even more time to process. Contemplation is such a good practice, and I’m not saying any of this is a bad thing, but I wanted to drop this note since the absence of it would be troublesome to me.
You Can’t have Nice Things – Part I
Has anyone ever told you that “you can’t have nice things”? A joking way of calling someone a klutz?
This post isn’t about me thinking I can’t have nice things, but my struggle with wondering if I *shouldn’t* . . .
I recently bought some flowers to put in a vase on our counter top.
I never do that.
It’s more than me “trying to be frugal,” (which I am, but) it’s mostly because I can’t shake guilt from the thoughts that roll around in my head: how can I spend money on something that’s already dying when kids are going without food, mothers working in the inner-city couldn’t afford them, and families in refugee camps don’t even have a counter to put flowers on?
Just like in my post about comfort vs. hardship – I’m still struggling. Still looking for answers and seeking balance.
I’m starting to think that maybe I should just give up and move on. Ok, so I won’t have happy, pretty things (even if they’re thoughtful, responsible buys) but then I won’t have to worry about if I’m in the wrong or not.
No harm, no foul, right?
Expect, . . . I know how these things make my heart sing. Flowers in vases, yummy lit candles, the sound of water . . . it’s how God made me. How do I enjoy these things while making sure I don’t step outside of His boundaries: over-indulging myself, ignoring my neighbor?I love Spiritual Mom-Giants like authors Sally Clarkson, Elizabeth Foss, and Ann Voskamp. They’re words compel me to know and enjoy my God, and love and serve my family. A common theme in their writing is the importance placed on beautifying our homes; turning them into places of refuge where God’s presence can be felt and His love of beauty displayed.
As I read, my heart nods in agreement, but my head is screaming: “But the money! From hardwood floors to decorations and furnishings: How can you spend money on yourself like that (without feeling heaps of guilt)?! Even if you’re buying from the Dollar Store, and making the crafts yourself – money is still being spent! How are they so at peace with it?”
Hear me out: I don’t doubt that they work hard, save, reach out in missions, make responsible choices, “go without” and exercise self-control. But that’s the problem. Even when all the above apply to us, I still feel like it somehow must be wrong.
And I’m not just talkin’ material possessions. . .While walking on a hike, I breathe in, raise my arms, face the sunshine, thank God and . . . think about how kids in the inner city don’t have access to nature like this (and how it might not be safe for them to go out even if they did). They are stuck in concrete boxes.
While reading Autumn a book, I relish having her close; & wonder if she’ll enjoy this for years to come, and find a love of reading because of these times . . . and think about all the kids whose parents just don’t care, or are too strapped at the end of the day to read to them.
Or while making Nate hot chocolate; driving in my car with the windows down, listening to FM Static, etc, etc. — The list goes on and on and it’s mind-numbing.
Then I consider the numerous Scriptures that tell of God giving His children things specifically for their enjoyment. He takes pleasure in it and is gloried.
So I’m digging in and changing my perspective. More to come in Part II.
Soaking in this:
- At July 12, 2014
- By Morgan Reid
- In Quotes
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“I’m happy to have small ways to capture and create beauty. There is joy in beauty and it makes me happy. Pope Francis writes,
‘Every form of catechesis would do well to attend to the “way of beauty” (via pulchritudinis). Proclaiming Christ means showing that to believe in and to follow him is not only something right and true, but also something beautiful, capable of filling life with new splendor and profound joy, even in the midst of difficulties. Every expression of true beauty can thus be acknowledged as a path leading to an encounter with the Lord Jesus.’
Isn’t that what life in a family is: a living, breathing, daily catechesis? Let’s let it be beautiful!” –Elizabeth Foss