Skipping Steps and Diving (back) In.
- At January 16, 2018
- By Morgan Reid
- In Changes, Real Life, Uncategorized, Updates
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The past 10 months have been some of the hardest of my life and have definitely kept me away from writing on this blog. Even when I could find the words, I didn’t have the time.
So while my methodical way of moving through life would like to start with the posts I wrote before Ember was born – how I was preparing my body for his birth, his sister for the transition from “only” to “big,’ and then after E arrived, his (awesome) birth story — we were hit hard with nursing issues, tongue and lip tie corrections, neurosurgery for craniosynostosis, monthly appointments for helmet therapy, bi-weekly physical and occupational therapy appointments — along with trying to figure out how to love and honor my daughter, Autumn, while stepping into my new role as a mother of two.
It was a catapulting and paralyzing time for me. I wanted everything to stop and yet it felt like I was being hurled through time and space at a break-neck pace. From mid-April to mid-May I cried nearly every day and wondered how long I’d be able to hold off true postpartum depression.
But Ember as reached double digits and we got to turn the page of the calendar to a new year a few days after, there’s been rest and processing, and an unquenchable thirst to return to this blog. My place where I chronicle my family’s stories and moments; where I mush together parts of my brain and heart and mold them into text.
I will write about all that I mentioned, but I think that will be best saved for spring during my recovery from spinal surgery (- yeah, throw a couple unfortunate recommendations for surgery in the past year as well).
For now, I’m taking a hop, skip, and a jump, past those months, telling my usual methods to hush for a bit, and writing this post on the day before my 28th birthday.
My soul needs to hear the rhythmic clicks as my heart, mind, and body release all they’re holding.
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I told Nathan this morning, “sometimes, I really like our life.”
(It’s amazing what sleep and a few good podcasts can do. — Many other times I’m thinking: “what was I thinking?! This is too hard; I’m not good at this!”).
We’re considering another in-Austin move – but in case it doesn’t pan out, I’ve been trying to make our current situation as good as it can be, and enjoy our life as-is as much as I can.
× The past few days I’ve organized the garage, made comforting winter dishes, found the Mud Stories podcast and became inspired by other women who shared their hard stories and how they can see the ways God-breathed life and meaning into their sorrow, I also found Micha Boyett and I’m excited to read her book as the few things I’ve read from her so far really jive with the conclusions I’ve been coming to on an my evolving faith and a more progressive, mystic, Spirit-filled way of Christianity.
× I’ve really looked into Autumn’s eyes lately when she talks to me, and have made time for just the two of us amidst the “just you and me” and “no daddy, I want mommy to”s — as long as I don’t feel like I’m letting her down, I really relish meeting her needs in this way. It’s my love language and I know I’m giving her exactly what I longed for as a 4 year old. I get to feel like I’m breaking the cycle with each meeting of our eyes, touch of my hand, and minute spent on my lap. Last month I found a lot of freedom and insight through the book Nurture by Nature and I feel like it gave me the permission and grace I needed to step into parenting her in a way that’s better for her, despite the “shoulds” that kept me from doing so in the past.
× Ember’s personality continues to emerge and he’s as kissable as he ever was – and his breath smells so dang good! I’m sure it’s the hormone-maternal connectors inside me – they know what they’re doing. There are so many ways Baby-Ember stands in contrast to Baby-Autumn but now that I realized this is a personality thing, and not a what-am-i-doing-wrong thing, his vocalness has become pretty endearing to me. If the past few months are any indication, he’s going to be the extrovert of the family: getting us out of our home and into the bright, wide world. (read: he loves people and engaging with anything “new.” Whereas Autumn loved her mama and slow/quiet.)
× I cut Nathan’s hair a couple months ago and dared to do the top freehand – and it turned out well, but as it’s grown out, lately it’s pretty incredible. It’s hard to put into words how happy that style makes me. Between that, his sweetness, a reawakened interest in rollerblading, boyish grin, and the comfy winter fabrics the season calls for, he too has become oh-so-huggable. Diving deeper into the Ennegram along with finding answers to some of his questions regarding the Christian faith, (and rest in the uncertainty) as been so good for him. His light-hearted, playful nature is returning and it’s overflowing on to our family and in our relationship.
We speculated (*hoped*) that 10 months would be a corner-turner for our family. We value and recommend attachment parenting; we enjoy those coos and the gloriously plump thighs, but we really suck at the emotions, worry, and exhaustion of the baby year. 1, 2, 3, and 4 — we’ve increasingly enjoyed with Autumn. But with both her and Ember, … well, I guess we just don’t “infant” well.
::
All of this together with really trying to dig into the moments and be present – sparked the joy that bubbled up into my comment to Nate this morning.
So when mid-morning brought the sound of ice and the warmth of fire to our tiny bit of Austin, it felt like the icing was being added to our cake.
And I felt deliriously happy taking it all in, realizing the smile appearing on my face was effortlessly growing.
Morgan (loves to) Reid
Post Script: I can’t close this blog without adding that the undercurrent under the waves and stillness of this past year has been God and me. I can’t really give voice to it yet as I’m still striving to re-engage with the questions/answers/perspectives/uncertain parts of my faith and relationship with Him. I was battling some significant decisions before Ember was born, so in a way, it’s been a year of feeling upended as I try to sort things out, gain a better perspective, and put it all back together again. I feel like there’s still a lot of engagement and reading that needs to occur, followed by even more time to process. Contemplation is such a good practice, and I’m not saying any of this is a bad thing, but I wanted to drop this note since the absence of it would be troublesome to me.
Embracing the Sensate Pathway.
The cross was rough.
By that, I mean literally rough. – I can’t imagine that they went to great pains to smooth out a cross intended to torture criminals.
So maybe Jesus got splinters from it.
Even down to the grain of the wood – nothing about Jesus’ crucifixion was ‘ideal’ (– I’ve been contemplating ideals lately).
This whole deal isn’t ideal! God gave us the ultimate “should have been” with Him in the Garden and we chose differently – threw it back at Him.
Then there’s the everyday: billions of people hundreds of times a day depart from the “supposed to be” and He knows how differently things could be and yet He has to just absorb it all, wait patiently and try to impart to us another way we should take.
That sounds hellish to me – like a constant ripping of ideals from your soul by the ones you’d love to share it with.
I don’t know why God made me a Sensate and I do want to throw it back at Him, but I’m sitting here rubbing this coarse cross from Israel (as suggested in this book) that was gifted to me years ago and thinking about the ways He can relate to my everyday heartbreaks and disappointments.
Read More»Jesus like That.
During our road trip to Ohio, I watched the Chronicles of Narnia. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it – (maybe since it first came out?) and I was interested to see if I had any different take aways this time. I did. My favorite part was when Aslan roared for the 1st time. I had to pause the film so I could cry.
I want a Jesus like that.
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Our parents are a big deal. They shape our ideas and views of God more by who they are than what’s said by them. Their interactions with us create synapses in our brain that make it easy, or more difficult, for us to believe that God really is who He says He is.
I’m a Mom!
- At July 05, 2014
- By Morgan Reid
- In Motherhood
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This realization hit me again this morning and it felt amazing and rewarding.
Seriously, I love being so bonded to this human being. It makes my heart race with purpose and fear at the same time. This little person means so much to me. And lately as I witness her crawl toward something she wants, I almost wish for time to slow down a bit as I can’t deny her independence is growing. . .
But those moments she makes a B-line for me – Does it get any better than that?!
I get to be a mom!
Mixed Feelings
- At May 05, 2014
- By admin
- In Changes
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[Originally written 4.15.14]
This past week has been pretty bitter-sweet for me. & I knew it would be: all the in-person connecting with loved ones at our Going Away party, sunny weather, playing at the park, and enjoying this stay at my mom’s place has really filled me and caused me to question a couple times if moving so far away from my home is really the right thing to do. – “Will I end up regretting it?” I’ve wondered a few times, including last night before I fell asleep.
& then I woke up. . . Literally.
It snowed.
It was freezing.
and that cute-n’-fluffy white stuff was covering EVERYTHING.
Okay. I’m good now.
It’s not like snow is the worst thing in the world. Or reason alone to leave anywhere. Actually, a lot of homesteaders move toward the snow – heading into Vermont, Wisconsin, and heaven-forbid, even Canada. Land is cheaper and they really enjoy the rhythm of the seasons – the cold and ice beckoning them to slow down and fill their soul while staying inside.
The problem for us is that our souls are filled by green and sunshine. Wind and bike rides. Hiking and swimming. I want to be able to do those things year-round.
It’s not that these activites mean more to us than the friends and family we’re leaving behind – not at all. Yeah, I’m done with freezing & I’m SO over being stuck inside but more than that: I’m done living for the weekends; and the get-togethers. Especially when 6ish-months out of the year, most of our time – with people or by ourselves – is spent inside! 4 boxed-in walls and a ceiling.
See, I want the quantity of my “week-days” to add up to more quality than the holidays and twice-a-month gatherings. & for me – for us – that means warmer weather. Being outside. Finding God in nature and teaching our little one to see Him there – and allow her to open our eyes to how she sees Him and life in general.
I’m so going to miss my family. And I seriously regret not spending more time and energy investing in certain relationships. In part, I held back from getting too close because in the back of my mind I knew Stow, Ohio wasn’t “home” and I didn’t want to make leaving harder. So while I’m bummed about what those friendships could have turned into, I’m grateful for the reminder that regret is our enemy. I want that tofuel my decisions in Austin & help me grow as a person. branch out. take a change that this thing that scares me could become something amazing.
It’s so much better to just go for it. Pain, hurt, and the “wow-that-really-blew-up-in-my-face”s come as they may. It’s all better than regret.
“Whatever comes, let it come.
Whatever goes, let it go.
Whatever stays, let it stay.”
Keeping in mind that ultimately, He determines our steps and uses and purposes e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g., making us more like Jesus, for our good. (What a Savior!)
I don’t know if Texas is the place for us. Maybe just for now? Maybe I’ll hate those Texas summers. Maybe we’ll end up in Central America, Tennessee, or decide our hometown really is the place for us.
All I know is taking the risk means we’ll know for sure.
So why not?
He’s with us.
Morgan (loves to) Reid
& now I have Hilary Duff stuck in my head . . .
(You 90’s babes would understand.)
So how about you? What risk might make a huge difference for you this year? Even today?