(Virtual) Winds of Change

{I wrote this 3 months ago, and having finished the necessary “phases” I talk about below, I can honestly say that it has been very beneficial.  Around my birthday Nathan introduced me to Socionics and it was incredibly helpful and validating about my choices (read: it’s accuracy about intertype relations freaked us both out – especially in regards to particularly hard relationships that I had been struggling with for sometime). That being said, I wanted to give myself some time to see how I viewed decision and felt about the resulting change before posting it publicly.}

* * *

In the last days before we left Ohio for Texas, I was grateful for the trip, but more than ready to be home and launch into ‘Little Prince mode’: just me, Nathan, and Autumn on our little planet watching sunsets and keeping a lookout for baobabs. The election after-math intensified this desire and left me daydreaming about giving into Mennonite fantasies: modified Amish quilting bees with local friends, selective play-dates, and church gatherings – the end.

So I largely stayed off FB and created an alternative feed so I could continue to follow pages I adore. Internally, I quieted quite a bit from just that and it was awesome. Since my home and the atmosphere in it are two of my highest priorities, I work hard to be intentional about what enters it from food to toys. Yet each time I opened FB I was allowing myself to invite unintentional, uncensored life in – with me being the gate: my family had to deal with a dip in my mood or my under-the-surface anger at social justice issues.

By choosing to disengage, I no longer had to put energy into empathizing with others pain and emotionally recovering from news of numerous far-off tragedies each week. (I agree that Believers should be the most active in the lives of the marginalized, and able to grieve very profoundly for the hurting – but I have to be selective because it can easily take a toll. Plus — this ain’t the season. Hopefully as the kids get older and I’ve worked through my childhood more, I’ll be able to foster and adopt and bring a whole and surrendered woman to that fight).

I was also able to put to rest the nagging reality that there’s half a continent between myself and old friends. While I enjoy keeping up with what’s happening in their lives and offering kind or caring words along the way, the truth that I can no longer be in their lives to the degree I’d like to be is hard on a highly-relational gal such as myself. Being reminded of the separation on a daily basis impacts my spirit in a negative way (read: it’s a downer). 

* * * 

As with my parenting and my faith, I started looking backwards (typical ISFJ) at traditional tribes and how humans have evolved to live and function. The question became: are we really meant to be frequently blasted by all this and have to carry it day-in-and-day-out? 

No.
at least it’s not working for me. 

So I started thinking I’d chuck FB all together. But then I began missing out on local events with friends, and despite the Groups App, it seemed harder to search for a topic or to ask an important question in the many groups I’m in (from homeschooling to the Instant Pot – a huge asset to an Enneagram 6). 

In short: it’s the pits. 

And that’s not cool because I have *a lot* of questions and I’m trying to root myself somewhere new; in a life I’m really enjoying in Austin.

On top of the above, while discussing this with church friends, I heard a convincing argument about how FB is the new “public square” and it’s important for there to be a presence of conscientious people.

Humph.

Rightokayso, …

With all this in mind, I’m coming up with a happy medium: turn this virtual galaxy into a smaller planet. Meaning that in large part, it will be used for local people and events; topics and groups near to my heart with information and advice I wouldn’t be able to access any other way. In short, quite a bit of hinding/unfollowing (other’s posts), unfriending, and making good use of the “restricting” function. 

While researching the pros and cons of Facebook user-ship and reading some of the research coming out behind it, one of the major “pulls” for staying on it was getting to stay in touch with people far away. And I so get that. However, the actual connection produced by such interactions, while nice, is greatly lacking for me. If myself and another person want to know what’s happening in each other’s lives and be invested in a personal way, I’m starting to think I’d rather we send pictures and catch up via personal texts. It’s more authentic and meaningful to me and I’ll feel like we’re connected in the finest way possible given the distance. 

As far as my contribution to the public square, I’ll continue to write on my blog and post pics here of family stuff, Autumn, and the Newest Reid (3 months away!) for far-off friends and family who would miss that. I intend to post book recommendations, advice I find worthwhile, and personal thoughts. (Those with opposing views probably won’t see my stuff because they don’t come here to read – that can’t be helped. Future respectful disagreements will have to take place in person where, beautifully, we can see each other’s eyes (humanity) and love can be offered in practical ways afterwards. I’ll pray for these real-life opportunities to come up and hope that they will be as fruitful – or more – as engaging in facebooked dialog).

* * *

I know that people often regret the absence of connection and end up coming back after deactivating. (Did you know that it’s ill advised to cut your hair during pregnancy? You’re hormonal and maybe not thinking super clearly and your heightened emotional state might not be pretty if you come to regret it.) I admit that I’m not 100% sure what this will look like or how it will go – I’ve divided it up into “Phases” from “least amount of change to greatest” and could find I’ve reached a wise balance upon approaching the middle of it or decide to carry on to the end. I fully expect to feel pangs of sadness for not being able to interact in the ways that I’m used to: I like hearing nice things said about me or my family, sharing something that someone would find helpful and might not have seen apart from me, and being told that I have a natural eye for photography and take some really great pictures (- all easy ways to make my heart take flight). I also assume that the uncommon move could be criticized or misunderstood, which is hard for me.

However, the work I’ve done in therapy, the insight given from research, and the clarity offered by our trip this Fall are the big pillars in the decision:

1) Reading this book helped explain the turmoil I experience from things that others could recover from more easily (common for people with “anxious attachment”); it also graced me with the research-based knowledge to accept the ways I’m not like like my friends and empowered me to treat myself differently instead of trying to navigate life like they would. I’m learning that my childhood experiences and personality require that I put a good bit of effort into detaching from others once their season in my life has ended and in regulating negative emotions – a big reason I don’t watch or subscribe to news channels. (Even the ending of Frozen makes me kinda sad: ‘What will happen to the families of Weselton if Arendelle cuts off trade with them? It’s not their fault the mayor was a horrible person.” Ugh! Morgan! – They’re animations!) 

2) The latter part of our visit to Ohio was a major indicator that I really am shedding old patterns and have done tremendous work. By and large, I don’t think, interpret, or respond the way I used to – or at least, I’m quicker to realize it and correct when I do. I’m better at recognizing what’s unhealthy and distancing myself from it, as well as finding the courage to voice what I’m thinking/feeling instead of staying silent and repressing the anger, anxiety, or sadness for various reasons.

* * *

There are down days, but for the most part – I really think I’m rocking this wife and mom thing.* I’m being intentional and bringing the best version of myself to the party; apologizing when I fall short. I want to continue to build off that. And, considering what’s in store for us come March (when I’ll be outnumbered the majority of the time), I feel right about doing what I can to stack the cards in my family’s favor; being more available and responsible for what I can control in a life with two littles.

Nathan values my caring heart and is very willing to hold me while I cry, but it’s nice for that to happen just once-in-a-while, (especially when it’s about things that neither of us have any real control over – like sad happenings in Africa). I’m also better able to take in his big ideas at the end of the day (The man is a walking “N” preference). I’m calmer with Autumn and taking her into wild spaces more often; slowing the day down to be able to prepare wholesome (and sometimes Traditional) food with her in an unfrazzled way; hanging clothes to dry outside while enjoying the song she’s making up as she goes up and down the slide. These are the memories I want my babes to have with me and the person I want to bring to my marriage. With the exception of being intentional with my best relationships up North via technology, the local friends I’ve made and the church community I’ve found and can touch up-close are most likely to fill my cup and help me be that Morgan.

I guess in short, I’m present and more whole this way.
Totally worth the very real possibly of having to endure those regret-pangs. 

Morgan (Loves To) Reid

bonus points if “rightokayso” made you think of queso. me too my cheese-loving reader, me too.

& extra bonus points if the title of the post got Kutless stuck in your head. \m/(~_~)\m/

*At 39 weeks pregnant, I’m having a different perspective on how well I’m doing at motherhood — but I’m thankful that this paragraph can remind me of the ebb and flow of parenthood. Different seasons, lots of grace.